Sunday, January 17, 2010

How it all began part 1

Every religion should have a creation story.

1. In the beginning, God was around, having a huge paint brush was drawing stuff
2. one day he got bored and created the sea.
3. the second day, he created a boat and went into the sea. just kidding, he walks on water and walks inside it
4. the third day he created fish 1-1 and fish 2. They did not have eyes, but it wont matter because fish can find other fish even without eyes
5. the fourth day he created eyes for fish 1-1 and fish 2, so with that flash of a second he created the sun and the moon, the dots in the sky. of course they could have been there always, but he created eyes which can see them. but it wont mater to this story because fish cannot come outside and see the sun, moon and the stars. not yet
6. the fifth day he created some land and an apple tree. he told the fish not to eat the apples, it wont matter to this story because fish cannot climb trees and eat them. there is no gravity yet, so apples cannot fall onto the land. everything is being held at this point by some glue and cello tape. there is also no snake in our story because it took quite some time for something as complex as a snake, let alone a talking snake or a snake which communicates with a fish evolved. we can substitute the fish with a lamprey. but who cares anyway. so long story short, the fish stayed in the ocean, dumb and happy without the tree of knowledge. fish god was happy. so he blessed them with abundant supply of food pellets and fish sticks.
7. the sixth day, god found reason and put logic, reason, order and disorder into the rest of his creation.
8. the seventh day he got a mop and was removing the evidence of super glue which he found illogical somehow
9. the eighth day, god was fed up with cleaning the universe thus creating an army of bio degradable soft shell robots who will eat up all the super glue.
10. the ninth day god taught the fish some evolution tricks and world domination strategies including how to use DNA switches, DNA regulation and Protein coding. He also taught the secrets of universe and how to become immortal . but fish forget all of this when he turned the other way
11. The tenth day, He made the world self sufficient and tried to teach the fish the important stuff of day 10 again. He promised great heaven and pools of virgin fish to those who remember this stuff
12. he spent the next 3 weeks trying to coach the fish of the same concepts
13. Day 32, fed up with dumb fish. he created the concept of DNA mutation and death hoping that the next generation will be smarter.
14. Day 33, he had to recreate fish 1-1 as fish 2 ate him. since god had 32 days of experience now, the recreated fish 1-2 was obviously smarter and innovative. Fish 1-2 called himself male (which means the smarter fish which obviously uses the intelligence to court the fish 2) and the fish 2-1 was there after called as (female which in the ancient language means the dumber fish which will eat you if you are not smart). God also created Designer clothing in the form of scales and makeup to distract fish 2-1. God also prophesied that fish 1-2 shall work hard and pay for taking fish 2-1 out for dinner.
15 Day 34, all its superior intelligence logic and reason turned fish 1-2 atheist. god had to create hell and send fish 1-2 there. Fish 1-3 was recreated again by god using Fish 2-1 cartilage as template.
16. Day 35, god had to send Fish 1-3 to hell as it turned into gay fish. Fish 1-3 to looking at designer scales and doing makeup instead of repopulating the earth. new fish 1-4 was created from some mud
17. Day 36, god saw fish 1-4 beating fish 2-1. since Wife beating was not considered as a sin rather as a means of exerting control. god rewarded fish 1-4 with a BMW which of course sank and rewarded the fish 2-1 the mechanism to produce eggs
18. Day 37, fish 2-1 gave birth to a new spool of eggs and they are fish 1-5,fish 1-6 and so on.
19. Day 38, god realized there is a lot of boredom in teaching old fish new tricks, so he created various marine life including oysters to produce pearls for fish 2-x and oyster meat for fish love.
20. Day 39, God saw fish 8-29 molesting little fish and thus given domain over the first fish church. the 8 series was considered the priest class and was known to predict the future and molest little fish.
21. day 40 god noticed a bunch of fish worshiping a scifi fish and his cult of aliens from a far way planet xxxenu, so he gave them a church of smutentology to teach other fish the truth in exchange for fish cash and make fish porn. he also gave the fish a patent for EEEMEEETER
22. day 41 , a fish was seen reading the gospel with a bunch of gold plates and thus given control of the church of morons
23. Day 49, a bunch of lung fish in desert are seen converging around the first fish pervert (who sleeps with dead fish), they called themselves Church of dead sand.
24. day 75, a bunch of black bearded fish proclaimed themselves free from the slavery of building massive pyramidal coral reefs over the coast of Egypt. they are following an energetic young red scaled sword fish with white beard who is in constant communication with god. god even parted the sea to kill the fish chasing him and his flock
25. Day 76, the young energetic sword fish with white beard(YESFWWB) went into the mountains of coral to ask god the truth and brought back something written on a piece of crab shell. when he returned back, he found his flock in a huge party with sharks. YESFWWB got mad, crashed the party and banished the sharks into the ocean. Thus the phrase "dont take a young sword fish to a party" originated. Those Sharks to this day remember this humiliation and as a part of ritualistic honor killing hunt fish, jelly fish and seals

more to come in the future

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